Some Good Days, Some Bad Days . . .

This has been a very eventful week for me, and most of it has been pretty good!

First off, nice weather. Nice to be out in it, nice to see the sun shining in at the windows, just all around better than it has been.

The pain of losing Mac is slowly wearing off. I still miss his little face following me outside, and I still miss his enthusiastic welcome back whenever I have been out of the house for longer than five minutes, but I know we did the right thing in having him put down because he was suffering.

Yesterday was a red letter day for me: mom and I went out to my sister's and I got to ride Pearl on my own for about an hour. It was an interesting experience both for me and for Pearl. My sister tacked her up with a saddle, which made mounting and dismounting much, much easier, and a halter. She looped the free end of the lead rope through the halter and I rode Pearl just like that, without a bridle. At first she was a little unsure of herself (as I was), but she got the hang of responding to a bit of pressure on the lead rope reins. We wandered around the training ring a bit, then did some figure eights, some sharp turns, practiced stopping, and I even got her to back up a couple of steps! That's something I've never been able to do before (mainly because nobody ever taught me how).

Then we were let out of the training ring and rode around the pasture a bit. We never got beyond a walk, but since we're both learning and still getting to know each other, that was fine with me. Besides which, I was happy to go at a slow pace and just enjoy the motion of the horse, the soft breeze blowing on my face, and the sun warming me.

Funny thing, I don't feel the least bit stiff. When I went riding years ago, I always had sore legs, and if you have ever gone riding, you know what I mean. My sister tells me that you only get stiff riding a horse if you tense up, and I managed to stay loosey-goosey and relaxed the whole time. I have also been doing some yoga stretches and such to keep what little muscle I have left nice and flexible.

I can hardly wait to go riding again! Keep your fingers crossed for good weather next week.

Today was a long day because I had both an appointment with Dr. Cutie and a CT scan. We were at HSC for over five hours. Heck, it took almost an hour just to get my bloodwork done! The news is good: I am okay to go ahead with the next round of chemotherapy. The last CT didn't show much change in the tumor, but it did show the fluid buildup around my organs. The chemo seems to be keeping that in check fairly well but doesn't get rid of it entirely.

After a visit with Dr. Cutie, we went to the CT room and I had my usual CT scan. This involves drinking two 10-ounce glasses of water with contrast solution mixed in, getting a line put into my arm for more contrast solution to be administered during the scan, then being stuck in the CT machine. The hardest part this time was the line. The nurse who put it in did a good job, got a vein the first try. But when they started the contrast solution during the scan itself, whoever started the solution just grabbed my arm and yoinked it up without warning me. It felt like the line needle turned sideways inside my arm and I was literally yelping in pain. If she had at least warned me, I would have been prepared. As it was, it hurt like heck and almost had me in tears.

I will probably not see Dr. Cutie again for six weeks, but he will call me if anything serious shows up on today's CT scan.

CAUTION! THIS PARAGRAPH MIGHT GROSS YOU OUT. I have been measuring my girth every night in order to monitor the fluid buildup. Some days I feel about nine months pregnant, some days only about four or five months. Last night I was surprised when my girth measured 34 inches around; it had been hovering around the 32 inch mark. My immediate thought was, uh-oh, the chemo has stopped working on the buildup, wonder what they'll have to do next to ease it. Then I went to bed. After about ten minutes, I got terrible gas pains and had to get out of bed and walk around to ease the pressure. Ease it I did, in several loud and smelly emissions over about half an hour. When I went back to bed, I had the bright idea of measuring my girth again, and lo and behold! Down to 32.5 inches. Wow, that was a lot of flagus!

Now that you have been properly shocked (snicker), I will bid you all a good evening. And have a great weekend too!

-- Lori

Bad Days . . .

This is one of the hardest blog entries I have had to write.

The last week has been pretty tough on me and my family. Our beloved dog, Mac, has been ill, as you know if you have been reading this blog. Last Wednesday, he took a definite turn for the worse. He refused to take his medication even though we tried disguising it in several different tempting morsels. When we offered them to him, he would raise his head, sniff it, then simply turn his head away. He also stopped eating. He drank water, but wouldn't touch any food.

On top of that, as the days passed he pretty much stopped moving except to go from his water bowl to his blanket in the living room. He also became incontinent. He seemed unable to let us know when he needed to go out, but would pee wherever he happened to be. For a dog who very rarely had an accident in the house, this was humiliating for him, I am sure. He always looked ashamed, as if asking our forgiveness for peeing in the house.

We tried carrying him outside. He would find a sunny place to lie down and then stay there until we came to bring him in. A couple of times he wandered a short distance around the yard, but he couldn't go very far and became exhausted almost immediately.

We finally made the decision to have him put down. Yesterday morning my mother and children took him to the vet and he died very peacefully with all three of them with him and the girls holding him. I just couldn't face being there, so I stayed home and cried.

To make matters even more emotionally difficult, we had decided a few months ago to get another dog. Cliff has always wanted a hunting dog, so he has been looking for a trained hunting dog needing a new home. There are, believe it or not, many good dogs that need to be rescued out there, and there are many breed-specific rescue websites. Last week, Cliff was notified that he had been approved for one of the dogs he applied to adopt, so we got this new dog on Monday.

I feel almost like we betrayed Mac, bringing a new dog into he house when he was so sick, but the timing just happened and we hadn't much choice in the matter. I still feel very bad about it.

We are having Mac cremated and plan to put some of his ashes in our garden, and some out at my mom and dad's cabin in Alberta, where he loved to go every summer. As I sit here and write this, tears are streaming down my face because I loved that little mutt and no other dog will ever replace our beloved Mac.

-- Lori

A Thursday to Remember . . .

Haven't we been having beautiful weather the last few days? It could be warmer, I'll grant you that, but the calm sunshine is slowly melting away that white stuff that we have all come to hate, and the slow melt is allowing the water to drain off gradually. Our back yard was a pond last Monday; it's now more like a marsh.

This week's chemotherapy was the hard drugs so I have been suffering tingly fingers all week. Fortunately, I only had three instances of my hands seizing up. I actually find the seizing up more distressing than the tingling. The tingling hurts, and the seizing doesn't, but the seizing makes me feel helpless. The last time it happened, the seizing included my wrist as well, so from about the middle of my forearm to my fingertips, I was paralyzed.

Yesterday came the day I have been waiting for for months: I finally got to get up on a horse for the first time in about 25 years (maybe more). I'm only going to put up one picture today and will put up a few more tomorrow. The horse I am on is Pearl, and if she looks rather scruffy, it's because she is. She is shedding, but when her winter coat is finally shed out, she will be quite a nice looking mare.



I didn't really ride Pearl on my own. Because she's a new horse and is unfamiliar to us, and we are unfamiliar to her, we need to take small steps and get to know each other before we can really start riding. However, Pearl was most well-behaved and didn't seem to mind at all having me up on her back. You may notice there is no saddle; I'm riding on a bareback pad on top of a saddle blanket. It lets you feel the horse moving under you but also protects the horse's back.

I also have to say that Pearl made lots of eye contact with me both before and after our ride. My sister says she is really coming around and is becoming more friendly and engaged in what's going on around her, both with regard to the human and the horse population at my sister's.

Even though I didn't ride for long and basically just walked around the yard on Pearl, the experience was exhilarating and I can hardly wait to go again. Hopefully next time it will be dryer and I will be able to wear my cowboy boots as well as my hat (it's a nice one, don't you think?).

-- Lori

Just a Reminder . . .

Dear Readers,

This is just a short note to remind you to leave your name when you leave a comment. Otherwise, I have no idea who you are. I have been trying to figure out how to add a name as a requirement to post a comment but haven't been able to get it to work. Until then, please be kind and leave your name.

To the person that had a car stolen twice: That, fortunately, is something I have never dealt with, but I can imagine how aggravating and upsetting it was!

-- Lori

There is Still Magic . . .

Wasn't the sun just beautiful yesterday??? After so many days of dark dreariness, the bright sunshine really lifted my spirits.

We went out to visit my sister and The Herd in the afternoon, and I had a magical moment with one of the horses. Pearl, the new mare, has been rather standoffish. Horses are a bit like people and dogs in that eye contact is an important part of their social interaction with each other and with other creatures. Pearl so far has been reluctant to make eye contact. When you talk to her or scratch her ears, she tends to turn her head away or to stare straight ahead of her, a sign that she doesn't really feel comfortable. It's almost like she's apathetic and doesn't care one way or the other what you do with her.

The other horses are a different story. They have no problem at all with eye contact. They will not only stare you out of countenance, they will shove their big faces right into yours and gaze into your eyes with a look that says, "Hi, howya doing? I love you. Got any cookies?" And if you don't have a treat for them, they don't care; they'll just snuffle you all over until they get bored and wander off.

Yesterday I gave Pearl a bit of a comb with the shedding brush and pulled off lots of hair, then I kind of stuck with her, petting her and scratching her ears and her cheeks and under her chin. She is of a size where, when I stand by her head, we see pretty much eye to eye. As I was scratching her ears, she suddenly turned her eye to me and looked right into my eyes and held the look for a few seconds. It was almost as if she was saying, "Thanks, that feels good." If horses could smile, I would say she smiled at me.

It was a magical moment for me, that sudden, short connection. I can't really explain how it made me feel, but it was wonderful! It rather took me by surprise, too, because she has never looked me in the face before and I expected her to just wander away when she was tired of having me rub her head and face. And I certainly didn't expect any magic.

Just had to share that with you.

-- Lori

At Least When My Mouth is Sore, I Tend to Keep Quiet . . .

One of the things they drill into your head when you start chemotherapy is to keep healthy - as healthy as possible - and avoid catching any flu, cold, or other bugs that are spreading through the community. In fact, throughout the Cancercare building there are stations with waterless handwashing solution, kleenex, and even boxes of masks that, if you have a communicable illness, you are supposed to wear while you are there. Every washroom has big posters that you can't avoid seeing extolling the virtues of handwashing in the prevention of disease.

I have been extremely fortunate in that I haven't picked up any bugs in the last few months. However, I am now suffering from an outbreak of a bug that, once it is in your system, stays forever - Herpes simplex!

Don't get all panicky, people, I'm talking about cold sores, not genital herpes or any of the other nasty forms Herpes can take.

I can only distinctly remember having three cold sores in my life. Well, Tuesday I noticed that the left corner of my mouth was sore, almost like I had scratched it with a cracker and got salt in it. It got sorer and sorer. Wednesday morning both sides of my mouth were involved. Thursday morning when I got up, I wandered into the kitched, yawning as I did, and felt the sores on each side crack open. The one on the left promptly began to bleed, quite profusely for such a small crack.

There are several of you readers, I know, that often suffer from cold sores. I now understand the pain you feel when you have a breakout, because I've never had such painful sores in my life. I have found something that alleviates the pain - Bio Oil. It probably doesn't do anything to cure the sore itself, but it does lubricate and soften the sore and so is very soothing. Plus it smells nice.

Thanks for letting me vent, folks. I have been so careful avoiding viruses, now one that I've had for years is giving me grief. Just hadda get that off my chest.

-- Lori

Darned Vandals . . .

One look out the window today, and I know I will be sticking close to home. Mother Nature sure is dragging this spring thing out as long as she can, isn't she? I wish she'd get her butt in gear and just let spring happen without all the stormy, snowy bits.

I titled this blog entry "Darned Vandals" because my car was vandalized over the weekend. Not terribly seriously, like years ago when my poor little Ford Fiesta had its tires slashed, windshield wipers torn off, a window smashed, and graffiti in black marker scribbled all over it. All they did was tear off the driver's side mirror. But still, with all I'm going through, I really didn't need the additional aggravation and hassle of getting my car fixed because some idiot decided to have some "fun" at my expense.

Chemotherapy went well this week; it is the week with the easier drugs. I am still shedding hair at a higher than average rate but you cannot yet tell that it's dropping out. Once I get looking ratty, I'm shaving my head.

The fluid buildup around my organs is remaining pretty constant, fluctuating between 31 and 32 inches so I am physically fairly comfortable. It still causes pain but I have really good drugs.

Mac is doing about the same as he was when I posted last. His cough is happening less often but seems to be more severe when it happens. The poor thing just hacks and hacks and hacks, and there is really nothing we can do for him. The vet called last night and confirmed that the growth in his mouth is a sarcoma (cancer) of the cartilage. Fortunately, it is a slow growing cancer that takes a long time to spread to other parts of the body, so his heart will likely give out before cancer can take him. As I have said before, the cancer could probably be removed but the vet thinks Mac's chances of surviving the surgery are pretty low given his heart condition. Sigh!

That's all I have to report today. I'm not going to say another word about this weather. Every time I do, we seem to get snow.

-- Lori